Perhaps

Perhaps God has not abandoned nor forsaken us; God has given us life, life with free will and free reign. The fall out of our many difficulties may seem entirely unjust, but the worst of such difficulties are also often of our own making, and surely should not be blamed on God's lack of intervention, just as they should not be undertaken in the name of God. Had God not given us the free will just to get on with it, despite the efforts of religions not to let us, there would only be a fraction of what we have to gain, perhaps we therefore only have ourselves to blame. However, those man-made injustices that breach innocence; and those that are not man-made, they seem a tall price to pay for freedom of reign, and seemingly at random too. Perhaps therefore, mankind is a life form pushing forward as one, surviving through numbers, and surviving through the fittest of those numbers, like all life along side us. The greater the numbers, the more chances there are of at least some success, but alas, with that, and it would seem somewhat unjustly, a lot of individual cases come to nothing. The primary example of this is to take life at its very beginnings and to fertilisation. So too can it be considered on a galactic and subsequently planetary level, I wonder how many planets have died for every Earth that lives. Perhaps life must be cruel to be kind and yet be without concept of either. Therein, it may not be all about us; it may not even be possible for it to be all about us. Merely sewing the seed of the bang may have taken God to the very limits of possibility, maybe that alone is enough and the rest is down to chance, an infinite number of chances within ifinity, and for that to have in turn grown into something so astoundingly complex and beautiful, and to continue to do so, maybe that alone is enough. What there is, may not yet be perfect, but perhaps it is not yet finished, and in the meantime, everything coming into existence must play its part. Perhaps there have been many more injustices than there are now, just to get us here, and perhaps there will be far fewer as we move towards where we are going, perhaps the worst and the best are yet to come, perhaps, perhaps.

Religion

Man made to meet man's needs.

Bitter and Twisted

On occasion I have found myself to be inadvertently caught up in minor feuds involving at least one party who could be described as, lets say, bitter and twisted. There is a good chance there are more such parties, but to be honest I try to stay out of it, backing away quickly without any further investigation than is required simply to clear my name, if that maybe necessary. Alas, you do not get to pick your family, nor necessarily your friends either, but then loyalty spells longevity. It is greatly unfortunate that because I am neither naturally conniving nor manipulative, I do not function at all well in the worlds of those who are, and who thrive within this cesspit of society. I have a natural aversion towards lying and tend to lay my cards on the table, I do not actually wish to offend anybody and never set out to do so, even if they are entirely worthy of it. So, when I am caught up in any such simmering scenario that looks likey to manifest itself as a feud, arguements or simple animosity, I am often made a scapegoat, and before escape, on one particular occasion have been tarnished as bitter and twisted myself, in hindsight, and in my view, by the very element(s) I consider now to be the bitter and the twisted. Now, I am a worrier, I believe that it is this that allows me to be the person I am, a good person. So, as I do when I am made out to be something by somebody or something else, something that deep down I know I am not, I will still allow a period whereby I will torture myself by way of thinking that perhaps I am such, this in turn will give way to a period of deep analysis, both of self and of the scenario in which I am, to an extent, accused. With regards bitter and twisted, if I were judged to be bitter and twisted, and had acted in such a way, then to be thought of, or accused as bitter and twisted, I would consider to be fair enough, I would take it on the chin and feel as though I had been deservedly judged and would try my best to make amends. However, with further thinking, if I were indeed bitter and twisted, then it is unlikely that I would take this position. A bitter and twisted soul would surely not accept the verdict, but instead turn it around upon the accusing element or even an entirely innocent party inadvertently caught up in the matter. I must therefore conclude that I am not in fact bitter and twisted; it must in fact be my accuser(s)! And on that basis, I have not accepted the verdict of another, but instead turned it back on them, they could also be entirely innocent in all of this, which begs further thinking, am I therefore in fact bitter and twisted, and therein lays a paradox. Let’s be practical about this however, both God and I know that it is not me with secrets and lies; indeed, I am without motive, intention or agenda, I want nothing to do with it and nothing from anyone, I want damage limitation all round, for everybody, I just want out.

Sugar Daddy

We’ve all witnessed the prosperous ageing man, probably with ex-wives and a family in the wake of time behind him, arm in arm with a beautiful, and much younger women, both dripping with cash and at play in some sophisticated playground. A few years ago now, I thought about this situation. It would be easy to conclude that the younger woman is actually dating the lifestyle and the bank balance over the man, however, in order to achieve this, she must also be with the man - there is no escaping this. One might then conclude that the young lady is to a degree, prostituting herself in order to achieve a more luxurious and lavish lifestyle, maybe even with ambitions of long-term security. This may or may not be true in each different case, but to believe this across the board, as is often what happens, would in my submission underestimate the complexities of a woman. Whilst I would agree that there is more opportunity for such a man to meet such a woman, both putting themselves out within rather similar and certainly exclusive circles, and have little doubt that the man’s money and it’s possibilities play a fundamental role in the woman’s initial attraction, there could be varying degrees of ambition, intelligence, independence, motives and indeed bank balances that may in turn be held by the woman, and which remain hidden, on occasions from the man in question, but always from the prying public, unless of course it is already in the public eye. Influence and power can also be strong assets for the courting older man, or indeed towards making him a target to be courted, although, such assets often go hand in hand with money. Fame, as a standalone, I would say is less so of an asset, certainly in cases where we are considering some longevity, unless of course accompanied by one or all of the aforementioned. What I have observed, is that when the relationship has formed and the couple are within one another’s sole company, the young lady more often than not looks happy. Now this maybe because they are in the excitement of the early throws of adventure, made possible by the man, whose happiness needs to be maintained. No doubt assisted by the fur and cashmere, the Christian Louboutin, the Mulberry and the Dior, but fundamentally and humanly happy to the core. It is only after the young woman becomes a married older woman or longstanding mistress that the cracks can set in, if love has failed to blossom, lifestyle aside, she will realise that as a couple, the two people are worlds apart, which can breed bitterness and resentment at what might have been elsewhere, (love and happiness), and thus, regret and unhappiness, leading to, let’s hope, another cycle. However, it is the throws of the early non marital relationship of the older man and the younger woman that interests me. The relationship must inevitably be sexual, and whereby the young lady may be somewhat repulsed at the prospect, the motive behind this somewhat frowned upon set up, is such that any aversions are swiftly overcome. I would believe that this has to be the case across the board, thus, including those women that may not be fundamentally motivated by financial gain. Those young women that go on to form a relationship, and most do, will surely be copulating regularly thereafter, as is the case when all sexually active couples are within their early throws. It is only upon becoming an unhappy wife or long standing mistress that there would be less sex. The happy younger lady who remains on the hairy Rolex clad arm, I would suggest has found something she likes about the man alone. It may be that in normal circumstances such a beautiful young lady would not find herself naked with a far older and much less beautiful man, and yet through the motives discussed, she has. Thereafter, it may be that she has discovered something that she would not normally have discovered had such a man been physically the same but average in status. Just maybe, and thanks to the money for getting us here, but putting money out of the equation between the sheets, there is good none financial endowment and young lady is physically satisfied. When the money and/or status are put aside, the debate then is whether the relations constitute prostitution. Possible not, there may be an intellectual and physical connection, however, I believe the answer would of course only present itself if the money and/or status were taken away entirely and forever, and therefore, until this is the case, the couple are in my eyes, innocent until proven guilty. As to whether there are innocent intentions, my view, is that it would not be beyond reasonable doubt that either party could be guilty of this, mutual consent however, is somewhat of a compelling argument and quite capable of overruling any judgement, if you ever found the proof to begin with that is.

It's Never The Right Time

I must not be, nor become, a, 'now is not the right time,' sort of person. I would say that 25% to 30% of my green lights have been missed as a result of such behaviour already, and that can only lead to regret, and regret is an emotion that can only lead to further green lights being missed. I would say fucking go for it, even if you don't feel like it.

Over Socialised

Every time I am to enter into any social occasion, it is with a degree of apprehension and nervousness that I do so. The less I know those within the situation, the less my nervousness and apprehension. The latter observation is unusual; most people I know would suggest the opposite, which is what drove me towards questioning my behaviour. With Freudian method, looking back at my childhood and early adulthood, my parents regularly held large social gatherings which in hindsight slapped with presenting as social climbing and status maintenance, effectively presenting appearances and keeping up those appearances. I was often called upon to essentially network with what were supposed to be my parents longstanding and good friends, which I’m sure many of them were and still are. It’s just that many of them, I was regularly reminded, were also potential employers. The problem was that there would always be a degree of expectation, to be polite, to be achieving, and to almost sell oneself. It was like talking shop with the movers and shakers before even having set up a shop whatsoever. It was if that all these people had to talk about with me was my exams and career prospects, maybe they thought this was expected of them in the same way I thought a formal and well structured spewl in response was of me. I dreaded these situations and have been rebelling ever since. I now get too drunk in social situations and tend to try to make the conversation either shock or take on an unorthodox slant. I generally take things a little too far. My view is that this is a form of coping mechanism that I have subconsciously developed for social gatherings, which, as a result of my later childhood years continue to make me nervous. Although you are still being judged in social situations where you don’t know anybody, for me, I feel less under pressure to impress and am therefore more likely to do so. Possibly because any impression is likely to fizzle out and be forgotten by a person I do not know and am unlikely to see ever again, and whom bears no link with anybody I do know. In short, it may be that I have been ‘over socialised,’ one thing I do know is that as an adult I try not to talk of career prospects with youngsters if I can help it, although I must admit, it does appear to be the most obvious topic between a slightly older child and an adult of no relation, there is often very little other common ground. The difference I suppose is that I am no employer, and they know it.

Nostalgic Anticipation

Hovering outside the Night and Day, and the day is holding on for longer, the warmer half-light left, lingers still, fighting off the dusk. The air has taken on a scent once again; there is sweetness even in the blackened Northern Quarter, as though the plumes of Peak District pollen have stooped in the afternoon and onto Piccadilly. Nostalgic anticipation and excitement for lighter night’s sweeps across my sky blue mind like wisps of summer cloud and the sound of light aircraft overhead. I am waiting for Rich to join me for an after work beer, the first of the year, and my senses transport me as he runs late. First, to childhood, and of a smashed lollypop on a neighbour’s hot door, the ginger cat and the orphaned robins, allotments and a red toy car thrown in rivers, then, the angst of goading sunlight through bedtime curtains. To flattened nettles, apple fights and trees, the meadow and the madness of its gypsy horse, to the dens and the gangs, and chippy teas. Next, to early adulthood, and the electricity that charged explorations into the realms of the night out. Entering the buzz of busy pubs, over the lip of open doors to meet friends before the summer’s sun sets, and the nervous anticipation of meeting someone you fancied, and yet willing it so, with all of the will in the world. Then, onto to the clubs that were an extension of sixth form, the short skirts lined up and queuing around blocks. Eventually, to the bigger cities for a taste of independence, and for more of the same - right up until Rich tapped me on the shoulder. Like a near death experience the best bits had raced before my mind’s eye, the present hint of seasonal change triggering nostalgia for the past such seasons, looking forward now with excitement for what was to come around again.