Ruby Ruby Ruby Rubhey (Speech delivered on 12th October 2013 at The Stone Inn, Hayton)

R is for Robert, without whom there wouldn’t be any of this today. U is for United, which has of course been the case for atleast some of their 40 years. B is for Beautiful, although being a bloke I’m not sure what the relevance is. And, Y…. Y is for Yes, a word which had my mother not uttered to the old man back on that fateful day in 1973, again, none of us would be here today, apart from maybe the odd local, ‘odd,’ being the operative word! - JOKING. Ruby in fact stands for curry. Back to the ‘yes,’ without that, I especially wouldn’t be here, a bloody blessing I hear many of you cry, and so I shall make every endeavour to keep it quick, clean and decipherable…, everything I’m not as a lover basically,… or indeed when making speeches for major anniversaries of my folks, such as back in 2003 for the Pearl, and worse still 1998 for the Silver. Still, I have the love of a good woman behind me now, and for those lucky enough to have this, they will know it’s worth celebrating, but for this to have had any kind of longevity, that really is worth celebrating, as a feat of true endurance! - For both parties of course. Mum encouraged me to pick fun at the happy couple today, saying, and I quote, ‘We don’t mind having the Mickey taken out of us.’ Probably just aswell; is all I intend to say on that! - WINK SMILE Massive congratulations, particularly to Dad. Forty years of being told what to do by Jude….Remarkable. Mind you, I’m not far behind you on 35! You will agree that to remain together in marriage for 40 years is not only a staggering test of love, empathy, kindness, patience and tolerance; it’s also damn right madness. And that’s when sanity is not in issue! But then perhaps it is insanity which is one of the key ingredients, and if you haven’t got it to begin with, fear not, perhaps like the case in question it will come with time, and in abundance! I guess a lot of Mum and Dad’s secret to success is you lot – great friends; an extended family really. You’ve always been there, as long as I can remember, and no doubt before, like back in the day of the 13th October 1973. So what else happened that day? Well, I can tell you… Jack Shit really. But, the day before the Israeli conflict kicked off, and the day after, there was an oil embargo and the Arabs decreased production. Oh, and Ringo released some photographs. So, nowt’s changed really. You all still look beautiful… Ah, so that’s where the B for Beautiful comes in! Brilliant. Whatever the secret, they’ve done it, and I’m sure you will join me in having every faith that they will continue to do so, and happily. So, without further ado, please join me in raising a glass to Rob and Jude! Finally, just by way of housekeeping, I just need to tell you that when the fire starts you must run like hell for that door there. Also, just to say that it is wonderful that Rob and Jude are now sharing the role of grandparents together, which is something in which they thrive, so thank you and congratulations from all the Junior Grants who have sprung up from your union. And finally, Gents, you are all on wine duty, please pour away - not literary - into glasses and gullets please.

Don't Let The Bastards Keep You Down

I will not be; a carbon copy of your own mediocrity!

Reaching 30 and Beyond

To those inordinate depressives who whine at it's prospect, I deplaud you. You are but at the very dawn of adulthood. Do not forget that to date, you have spent most of your life as a sniffling dependant child in school and education. At thirty you have but ten years experience as a fledgling adult, even within the remainder of your working life, health aside, you have another thirty years of adulthood right there. Sixty is nothing, forty is the new thirty, and thirty is the new twenty - get a grip!

Sunday Dinner

A lesser person, is the soul who picks an argument with you in an attempt to make themselves appear clever, but whose chosen position in opposition to you has come by way of a misinterpretation of you, but further, who then ignores your response, after which it has become clear that they have misinterpreted you and there is no argument to be had. Or, such a person who simply and immidiately assumes that you are a lier. Either way, it stems from a poor interpretation of you, and thus, without acceptance and appology is tremendously lesser behaviour. They are unlikley however to ever admit to the error of their ways, suggesting that not only are they thick headed, but thick skinned to boot. Alas, people are strange, and all so very different and judgemental, in the same way I think people are strange, they inturn will I'm sure think that I am strange. To worry about it is to see yourself in a semi permanent state of stress, best to just let it go and get on with what makes you happy.